My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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