Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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