I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
