i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
