I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
