I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
