if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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