One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
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I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
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It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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