oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
