ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
