this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
