I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
