Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
