I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
