By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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