It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
it's great music for shaving your balls
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
