I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
