You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
