there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
