My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
