and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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