At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize