Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
