sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
