i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
