Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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