my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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