I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
