I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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