Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
