he thought i was a dude.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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