i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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