Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
