I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
