Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
