I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
