The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
