either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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