mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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