five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
