I smell stomach acid.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Randomize
