you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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