So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
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Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
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Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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