my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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