new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think your dad took our porno
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
