had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
