i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
