Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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