when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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