Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
