she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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