Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
