just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
