Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
