Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
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