i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He better not be in your backpack
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
